The first new snow is falling in my part of the world. As the seasons change where I am, I feel compelled to dress appropriately in SecondLife, do you? I suppose it’s silly, because I can find any kind of weather on the grid. This just shows that the line between my SL and my RL is blurred and inseparable in some ways.
I’ve neglected this blog for far too long, and with so much that’s happened that I could have been writing about, but my in-world pursuits have occupied me and frankly my path has blurred a bit as well. Focus is a problem for me; at times I’m far too much so, myopic to be honest. At other times, I’m overwhelmed with the choices I have and can’t seem to decide what to do. Middle ground would be nice. Just doesn’t seem to be my nature.
I came to The Galleries today to do the thing I’ve neglected the most lately – explore! Visiting sims I’ve never been to before is what inspires me to find ways to be creative, and for a while now I’ve been longing to get back to that place where the excitement could build in me again. Yes, I lost it for a minute or two; I wish I could understand why. I can pinpoint when it happened – right about the time I started doubting my abilities during the Visionaire photography course. I struggled to meet my own expectations, until I literally could not take a photo anymore without hating it. I strived to be the best amongst my classmates and fell short. Every photo presented to us as being superior in quality and technique made my heart shrivel inside my chest, feeling so inadequate. My enthusiasm waned. The picture above is the first one I’d taken in nearly a month.
So, techtonic shifts ensued. Symbolic gestures meant to free me of the shackles of self-doubt and ennui were enacted. I may have overreacted in one or two ways, but I was desperate to get out of that headspace.
I quit, sort of.
What I mean is I stopped worrying about getting the next gallery exhibition, stopped trying to make fabulous but uninspired photos, stopped trying to be something I am not, and took a deep breath or two. In my infrequent yoga practice, the instructor always says to ‘honor your body’ meaning to pay attention to your discomfort, to not push past it, and when it hurts, pull back a little and if you really need to, go into child pose. I actually don’t enjoy child pose, but laying face down with arms and legs splayed seems to worry the instructor, so …
I packed up the gazillion things I had rezzed on my L$5,040 a week piece of land and got a L$240 a week sky dome so that I can save money for the next project I want to undertake – making mesh apparel from templates (it’s a start). I have a little store on a platform my friends are building on, sitting empty, and a gallery there as well, costing me L$88 a week, not to mention a gallery in virtual soho at L$120 a week that hasn’t made a sale yet, and this is the impetus to get back to it, sooner rather than later. I haven’t given up on photography, just doing it when it’s fun. I’m starting to feel the enthusiasm coming back, so here I am.
The way I’m going may or may not have anything to do with where I end up, but exploring will always light the path for me.